Everyone talks about that very first sentence of the story. The one to draw you in and then draw you deeper with the first paragraph. I think... I think I might have nailed it. Sometimes it takes me a while to realize that I am obsessing over how I think it should be, rather than what is going to work. I would like to share the very beginning with you.
It is only 171 words long at the moment, but I tell you what, I revised each one of those words to tighten it up even more, trying to make sure I didn't end a sentence with a preposition... one of my lovely habits apparently. I've tried to eliminate the use of the word 'was' as much as I could... Okay scratch that, 165 words. See? Am I obsessing? Yes, yes I am.
Okay I will stop fussing and fretting until I see what you have to say about it. Maybe .
"The last memory Kayta Ni'adzul clung to as she fell into the cold, unforgiving sea was the brush of Alabassin's lips against hers and the promises he had whispered in her ear. She struggled to keep her eyes open, but the blow to her head made focusing difficult. The icy water stung her exposed skin and her hands flailed about looking for anything that would support her, buoy her in the high waves. Above Kayta, the fighting ensued and others fell overboard, most of them already dead when they hit the water. A loud crack sounded as the smaller, attacking ship rammed into the larger one. Pieces of Kayta's ship fell around her, striking her prone body. She held tightly to a large piece of wood that supported her, but as debris rained down, pain coursed up her leg causing her to black out as something struck her, breaking the bone. As she sank into blissful darkness, her best friend screaming her name followed her down into the abyss."
Okay, so it ended up being 169 words as I had revised yet again before posting. What can I say? Anyway, as the post suggests, I'm looking for some feedback please. Don't worry about hurting my feelings, be honest. Thanks!
3 comments:
'She held tightly to a large piece of wood that supported her'- I would take out 'that supported her'- it's unecessary because we assume if she's holding onto a big piece of wood, than yes, its supporting her, kwim? You also have 'but as debris....' and then not to far after that is 'As she shank'- I would reword and mix it up a little more. Other than that, I thought it was great- very descriptive and definitly pulls me to want more.
If you're looking for feedback for your story you can always join www.critiquecircle.com. I'm not trying to promote it to everybody, but it's just a suggestion to think about.
I don't know about the name Alabassin. It seems really odd. I know that fantasy can produce some odd names, but that is one heck of an odd name. At least people will remember it.
The passage keeps my attention though and I can tell you edited the heck out of until the last second. I think the first sentence is a bit long but I still like it. I wish I knew the back story but it's good. I hope that's enough feedback. I wish I could be of more help but that's all I got right now.
Thanks CQG! I worked out those little kinks.
And thank you, Larissa. Keeping attention is definitely what I am going for. Alabassin is a name that seems like a mouthful and after awhile it starts to roll off the tongue. At least for me. XD Have to go with the names that fit. And oh, the names I have come up with... I will have to direct people to my website so they can see the pronunciation I have up there for stuff. But thanks for this feedback! I appreciate it all!
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