Everyone talks about that very first sentence of the story. The one to draw you in and then draw you deeper with the first paragraph. I think... I think I might have nailed it. Sometimes it takes me a while to realize that I am obsessing over how I think it should be, rather than what is going to work. I would like to share the very beginning with you.
It is only 171 words long at the moment, but I tell you what, I revised each one of those words to tighten it up even more, trying to make sure I didn't end a sentence with a preposition... one of my lovely habits apparently. I've tried to eliminate the use of the word 'was' as much as I could... Okay scratch that, 165 words. See? Am I obsessing? Yes, yes I am.
Okay I will stop fussing and fretting until I see what you have to say about it. Maybe .
"The last memory Kayta Ni'adzul clung to as she fell into the cold, unforgiving sea was the brush of Alabassin's lips against hers and the promises he had whispered in her ear. She struggled to keep her eyes open, but the blow to her head made focusing difficult. The icy water stung her exposed skin and her hands flailed about looking for anything that would support her, buoy her in the high waves. Above Kayta, the fighting ensued and others fell overboard, most of them already dead when they hit the water. A loud crack sounded as the smaller, attacking ship rammed into the larger one. Pieces of Kayta's ship fell around her, striking her prone body. She held tightly to a large piece of wood that supported her, but as debris rained down, pain coursed up her leg causing her to black out as something struck her, breaking the bone. As she sank into blissful darkness, her best friend screaming her name followed her down into the abyss."
Okay, so it ended up being 169 words as I had revised yet again before posting. What can I say? Anyway, as the post suggests, I'm looking for some feedback please. Don't worry about hurting my feelings, be honest. Thanks!