Saturday, May 1, 2010

Query Take Two...

Okay, like I promised, I will be posting my revised query for you all to peruse. Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated! And please, don't worry about hurting my feelings. We all know as writers, that I have none. ;)

Take Two:

Dear Agent X,

I am pleased to submit for your consideration my fantasy, LEGEND OF BLACK ROSE.

Black Rose has come a long way from being an adventurer, father, and husband. Chosen above all others as the Champion of Fizanu, goddess of Justice, his battles have left scars on the lands.

The Dourghuun is a magical conjuring gone awry. It is a demon that entered an Elemental host. Now it is bound to the earth by one deity that created the Elemental and one from a seat in the Underworld. Until it collects five hundred souls, it will remain a plague on the world of Eir du'Brusai.

When Black Rose is sent after the King of Relavia to right an injustice, the King makes a pact with the Dourghuun. The soul of one favored by a goddess would outweigh the many souls of simple mortals. To present Rose's soul to the goddess of the Underworld would return Dourghuun to its rightful place and with special honor.

The outcome of this battle will shift the future of this young world. It will change Black Rose's Fate and leave the world trembling.

Based strictly in a fantasy world of the author's creation, LEGEND OF BLACK ROSE will appeal to readers who enjoy such works as from DRAGONLANCE or FORGOTTEN REALMS and even those who enjoyed THE LORD OF THE RINGS.

LEGEND OF BLACK ROSE is complete at 55,600 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best regards,
M. L. Chesley

Alrighty, there you go!


Beth Zimmerman said...

Looks awesome to me Mel but I know (literally) NOTHING about such things!

Sorry I've gone missing from comments the last few days. Got a little overwhelmed with the sheer quantity of blogs that I'm following. :) It's all good though! Besides that I kept trying alternate commenting systems and they all have issues. Back where I began with blogger comments. Some times simpler really is better!

Unknown said...

I am far from a query expert and know next to nothing about fantasy, but reading this, I was a bit confused. It's probably lack of knowledge on my part for the genre. I took out the stuff that confused me to get it to bare bones that my simple mind needed to understand it. lol.

The Dourghuun is a demon that entered an Elemental host. Now it is bound to the earth until it collects five hundred souls, it will remain a plague on the world of Eir du'Brusai.

Mel Chesley said...

Hee hee!

Beth - I hear ya. I've had to pause in the blogosphere for time while I get over being sick. I saw you were having issues with comments, so I waited it out.

Mary - It's all good. As long as it LOOKS impressive? ;)


Not being an expert on such matters I will say it looks fine to me.



Good luck with the query!

Mel Chesley said...

Thanks Samuel. :D We can only hope.

Just Wendy said...

It looks mighty fine to me.

I'm in the process of composing a query letter. Not much fun so far!

Practice makes perfect. So I've been told. Unless we've all be lied to. Hmm... :)

Hey, good luck!

Mel Chesley said...

Thanks Wendy and good luck with yours as well. I agree, though. These are no fun. And I hope we haven't been lied to... :D

Talli Roland said...

Mel, I like this much better than the earlier one. I do agree with Mary a bit, though: I was slightly confused and had to reread it again to understand all the elements of the story. But I'm not a fantasy person, so perhaps a little complication is normal here. Query Tracker has a great forum where you can post your query and get feedback. I posted some of my earlier ones there and found it really helpfu.

Good luck!