Thursday, April 22, 2010

Some Satisfying Snippets...

So I promised I would offer up some snippets of my work. I think I will be doing this on a regular basis. We'll see.

Now, I have no qualms about sharing my work, mind you. In fact, I would love and appreciate some feedback. I do belong to a critique group online. I wish there was one here in my little town. But half the people here who are writers (and half the population are writers) write fiction and its all based on Alaska. Or memoirs. Anyway. Let's get down to it, shall we? I'd like to post from my current WIP I am revising and editing. Legend of Black Rose. So here goes and I do have to warn you, it may be long:

Sweat trickled down his brow, missing his eye. It ran down his cheek and the droplet fell from his jaw, mingling with the earth. He did not pause to mop his forehead. His garden was a labor of love, his only calm in his chaotic world. One he would gladly pour his blood, sweat and tears into.

High above, light from the twin suns filtered down through the trees. At this time of year, the smaller of the suns trailed far behind it's older brother. The summer days were hot, the light long lasting. The height of summer would be upon Croggen's home soon.

Home, he thought, pausing in his work finally. He straightened from his hoe where he had turned the dirt and stared beyond the motes of dust he had stirred. A small cottage sat off to his right. The sunshine illuminated it in such a way it seemed to glow. Was this truly his home? He had no wife preparing a meal within those walls. No children played in the field beyond. He looked down at his left wrist where two black roses were caught in an eternal bloom. One each for his wife and son. The sadness of their loss still weighed heavily on his heart even after all this time.

Digging into the earth once more, he worked to push thoughts of his lost family from his mind. After all, nearly three hundred years had passed. Twenty Ages, fifteen years per Age. The ache in his heart felt only days old.

High above him, in the trees, birds sang out. They called to each other, called to him, but he stayed bent over his work. After some time, he paused again, tilting his head.

“Rose,” a female voice whispered into his mind, a gentle breeze. She pulled his thoughts away from his past and his task.

“Yes m'lady?”

“An urgent matter has risen. I require your services once again.”

“I am yours to command, goddess.”

“Why so formal today, Rose?” she asked. “Ah. Yes, I see now.”

Fizanu, goddess of Justice, had gently pried into the mind of her Champion.

“As always, Rose, I ask if you desire me to release you from your duty.”

“Do you no longer need me then?”

“As long as there are injustices in this world and those who cannot right the wrongs against them, I will always need someone like you.”

“Have you found a worthy replacement?”

“No,” she said after a long silence.

“Then no, m'lady. I do not desire to be relieved of my duty just yet.”

“I would take away your pain, should you so choose.”

Croggen leaned heavily on the handle of the hoe and shook his head.

“There is no need, Fizanu. Were you to take away my pain, you would strip me of my memories. You'd take away the essence of who I am and why I walk this path. I would no longer be worthy to do your bidding.”

Another silence stretched out before she spoke again, this time giving him the information he needed.

“You must travel to Pilgamore in Jenlakai. The King and Queen are in danger.”

“War?” Croggen asked as he continued creating the row he had begun.

“If this were merely an act of war, would I be bothering to summon you?”

“No, but if Quagha Li'endrin is invading –”

“He is not invading. At least not yet,” she cut across his thoughts. Images flashed in his mind, her impatience made them flicker quickly. Croggen continued turning the soil.

“Rose,” she spoke within his mind suddenly, the images had stopped. “What are you doing?”

“Working in my garden,” he responded, ignoring her tone.

“I need you to leave at once.”

Rose looked at the row he worked, noting he had almost reached the end.

“I won't be but a moment,” he told her. “I always finish what I start. This is no exception.”

“Time is of the essence,” she said. Her words were clipped.

“I understand the urgency. A brief moment will hardly make any difference.”

Okay, Favorite Band: Smash Mouth. Favorite Movie: Serendipity.


Lisa said...

Excellent! I really mean that, too. I was getting into to it and then it was over...:) Well done!

Unknown said...

Lovely descriptions of the scene. I could totally picture that poor lonely man out there tilling the ground.

Jessica Bell said...

Wow, Mel. You're a really great writer. I'm not a fan of fantasy stuff, as you know, so I'm not able to compare to anything, but I really liked this. You write so smoothly. It flows really well. Nice. :)


A great write,I really enjoyed it. I do hope there will be more.


Creepy Query Girl said...

You have really well chosen description- easy to visualise and not too overbearing. Good Stuff!

Mel Chesley said...

Thanks everyone. I appreciate your comments! I will have to post more. This is the very beginning, chapter one. Felt like I struggled with it. Things like, is it pertinent to the story? Is it boring? Long winded? Yeah. You know, usual writer angst. :D

Thanks again everyone, you're all great!!

Cheri Chesley said...

Fun read! And I MET Smashmouth :)
I love Serendipity

Mel Chesley said...

I'm so jealous you met Smashmouth. I love them! But it's all good, I can just brag how you met them. :D

Roland D. Yeomans said...

I was so drawn in and then it was over. Your descriptions are spot-on. Oh, there is another NIGHTWISH MUSIC video on my latest post. You might like it. It's from one of their concerts. Roland

Mel Chesley said...

I will so watch it! I love Nightwish. :D Thanks Roland, for your comments.

Ella said...

Really great, love your descriptions!
Keep at it!
Where are you in Alaska? I have lived on Adak and in Anchorage.
No place like Alaska! I loved it

Al said...

I enjoyed it.
I like the nerve of the man disputing his departure time with his goddess!
Now I wonder what happens next.
And why does she call him Rose?

Mel Chesley said...

I know, the audacity of Champions. ;) He's called Black Rose, Rose for short. Everyone knows that if Black Rose is looking for someone, they must have done something pretty bad to tick off the goddess of Justice. Black Rose is sent to right the wrongs of it all. So Black Rose gets a little repetitive and we just stick with Rose. It does get explained, eventually.

I'm glad everyone liked it so much! I may have to post up the first chapter in bits. :D